FUNNY STORIES FROM ALL PARTS OF THE WORLD

Hi! Here are the funny stories told by my friends from all parts of the World. Enjoy!!!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,
I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and
meaningfully, said....

Clean my house!


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a "Living Will"
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He says 'Yes - just caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the service?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?
'This is a government job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland.'
The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'
The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'?
The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin'
The first guy responds, 'So am I!'
Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin?
The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'
The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
And to what school would you have been going'?
The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'
The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?
The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.'
The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be sm iling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!'
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'
Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?
'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"



A man bought a parrot, but soon didn’t like the bird because it wouldn’t stop using bad language. So, to get the bird to stop using swear words, he put it in the freezer. An hour later, the very cold parrot asked to be let out. “ I promise never to use bad language again”, it said. “I’ve learned my lesson. Just tell me one thing: what did that turkey do?”



One March day, a wife tells her husband that the house needs painting. “Forget it! It’s still winter,” he says. In April, she tells him she has bought some paintbrushes. He says it’s still too cold. In May, she asks him to help her set up the ladder, and she starts painting. Meanwhile, he gets a bottle of beer and sits on a chair outside. A neighbour says, “ How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is painting the house?”
The man looks up and says, “ Well, she doesn’t like beer.”



An elderly man had serious hearing problems for many years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%.
The elderly man went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor diagnosed, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be very pleased."
To which the elderly man said, "Oh, I haven't told them yet. I just sit and listen to their conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"



A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."


Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.



Susan: Hello, Doris! This is Susan. I’m calling to ask if you and Hans would like to come over to tea tomorrow.
Marlies: That would be lovely. We’re flying back home to Germany on Sunday, so we were hoping to see you before we leave.
Susan: Great. I was thinking of making a lasagne. You do eat spinach, don’t you?
Marlies: Yes, we both love spinach. But I thought you said tea?
Susan: Sorry, I meant dinner. We call it tea, you know.
Marlies: Actually Hans and I don’t drink tea very often. We prefer coffee.
Susan: Don’t worry, Doris. There won’t be any tea. You do drink red wine, don’t you?



“ A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."
"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."



“Do you say prayers before you eat?
No, I don't have to. My wife is a good cook.”



There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

Lol!

I really liked some of those.
The one about the TV and beer might be my favorite.
This one is a bit nerdy, but if you get it you will like it.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they bump into each other.
The first one says:
"I think I've lost one of my electrons!"
The second says:
"Are you sure?"
and then the first says:
"Ya, I'm positive."

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is secs?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."




Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn''t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn''t want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"





A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents thinks what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad”





Drunken Man and Blonde

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."